gobbledigook.

[ a morbid fascination that borders on obsession. ]

Thursday, August 17, 2006
awakening from slumber.

The sight of less than a hundred days left to A levels sent severe electrocuting jolts down my spine, forcing me to sit up and think. Think hard. Think deep. My path has deviated. My mindset clouded. I was a twisted mangled heap of anger, disappointment, fustration, resignation and regret. I had to pick myself up; the sand in the hourglass is flowing relentlessly, neither will it stagnate for a fraction of a milisecond. Massive action was needed to shift me into second gear from a previously almost stagnant and stationary state of mind and body. The inertia is immense.

Personally, i'm very dismayed at my current pathetic condition, scrimping my schecule solely for the sake of studies, slogging it out mainly to catch up with loss time and struggling with the sheer workload on my shoulders. I never envisioned myself to end up in such a situation like this. I was quietly confident that i could cope, or at least manage my year 2 works, after a late surge sufficiently catapulted me into year 2. How wrong it was. I was hoping to kick ass but in the end it was my ass that was kicked. The catious confidence turned to hubris and studies rarely became my agenda. it was often playing second fiddle to soccer; soccer training, soccer games, tv soccer. Ineluctably, A division was the priority then and studies had to take the back seat. I didn't mean it to turn out this way, but 1 thing leads to another and this, the end product.

I was facing the prospect of not getting a full certificate, much less a place in the universities. It suddenly became so real. Once at a point at infinity now dangerously close. I was honestly spooked and shooked. Its comparable to rendering my efforts all this while obsolete, void and frivolous. My foray into college was a folly and leaving with a worthless piece of paper. And i'll be facing the outside world, dazed, lost and aimless.

Well, the end is near, but not yet imminent. I still have sufficient, if not abundant time left to make a change. I'm weary, but i can't give up. These 76 days left is pivotal in determining my future, my dreams and aspirations. Nothing is for sure, and my fate isn't sealed just yet. This is it, my darkest hour. Its now or never.

Later.