gobbledigook.
[ a morbid fascination that borders on obsession. ]
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
The week before this was an emotional roller coaster for me, and certainly the most taxing and ming boggling. Three papers in the space of three days isn't the best of schedules, and it was make or break. The odds are against, a mountain looming ahead, defeat seems imminent. The sense of helplessness was overwhelming and the urge to throw the towel was equal to it, a very enticing combination. I braced for the worst.It was non-stop mugging, mug and mug like never before. I didn't mug this hard even to the days leading up to 'O' levels. It was fear that was driving me. The Fear. I don't know what i was fearing, but it was a hybrid of fear, the desire for success that i've been deprived of, the hopes of everybody and the thoughts of the otherwise-this-would-happen scenarios. Failure is not an option. It never was, however it was in the arms of failure that i embraced, being clutched and trapped in its grip on me.
The stakes had never been higher. I was having sleepless nights, two outbreak of rashes-1 becoming an infection, diagnosed with stress and a mind unable to deviate away from studied, not even for a moment. I was too engrossed, albeit a little too late i must admit. What if i had started earlier? The what-ifs and should-haves are infinite.
The run up towards the papers were those filled with anxiety, the usual last minute revision and burning of midnight oil. It was a feeling i had never experienced before. It was especially amplified for the mathematics paper, i couldn't just shrug it off. It kept me awake for most of the night before. I wanted to do well for the maths paper cause i had never done so, ever before.
How much i tried to avoid it, in the end the enemy must be faced and conquered. There were a variety of songs playing simultaneously in my head, more of an endless melancholic chant haunting my thoughts. Battle scences from the movie Braveheart kept blurring my vision of Willam Wallace leading the Scots' fight of independence against the English.
Somehow i didn't feel that the paper was as tough as that i had envisioned. It was cold comfort, and left a numb void in me. I was physically and emotionally drained, i felt my legs were weak too.
Somehow i didn't have a similar desire for chemistry in terms of preparation and anticipation. I was delusioned about the state of my chem and it was a foolhardy decision to prioritize other subjects ahead of chem. The paper rattles my nerves as it was most understanding and application questions and i kind of lost hope in the final minutes. How wrong i was proven.
Shaken, but did not lose my footing. I regained my composure and once again gave it all for physics. The paper turned out much better for me and to end the exams on a bright note.
I've got soul
But I'm not a soldier
But I'm not a soldier
Adeel
Ahmad
Aisyah
Amin
Cikgu K
Dinie
Eisha
Emel
Evon
Fadilah
Innova Soccer
Juice
Khairiana
Khairul
Maisarah
Michelle
PeiYi
Philmon
Ramizah
Shahira
Sufie
Syafiq
Tracy
Venetia
Yamin
Zaliza
Zawiyah
